Nicknames, or why Hunter's a moron

Nicknames, although lame, can be useful. As a general rule, nicknames should either be descriptive or ironic. Of course there is the Southern reason for nicknames, the fact that everyone decides to name everyone else after the same person. Five guys in the family named Dale? Well, we'll just call one Dale Senior, one Dale Junior, one Bobby Dale, one Dale Bobby and one Dale Bobby Junior Senior. But as a general rule, nicknames should be either descriptive or ironic.

Descriptive: Your friend named John weighs three hundred pounds, he is now "Big John". See how that's useful? Which John? Big John. Your friend has no morals? Well that's what the term slutty was created for. Your friend steals? Well Crackhead Tom is a fun little shorthand to warn the rest of the world.

Ironic: My brother Josh is a sinner and is going to Hell when he dies. So I call him "Preacher". He accepts this much as he accepts that he's going to Hell when he dies. So its mildly amusing but also informative. Ironic nicknames are especially useful because they allow you to insult someone without them being offended.

Now some people feel the need to give nicknames that are neither ironic nor descriptive. Morons like Hunter. For example, he calls my cat "Tiny" despite the fact that I inform him that is not her name. In addition, Chloe is not in fact tiny, she is the average size for a cat. If Chloe was full grown and half a pound, Tiny might be more appropriate, but she's not. Hunter also calls his girlfriend "Little One" in spite of the fact that she is taller than him. Not a foot and a half taller than him, where it would be ironic, but tall enough that he feels the need to compensate by calling her Little One.

Unfortunately, there is not yet a law in place allowing me to kill people I deem to be too stupid to function properly in society. Still, I think words should either have meanings or they shouldn't.