I'm a big sucker for

little kids. I watch one of my professor's kids a lot, a little boy and a little girl, and I am such a sucker for them. I would give the little girl all the money I have if she asked for it. The last time I watched her, I put her to bed and read her a story, then got up to leave. She got up off her bed and wrapped her little body around my leg and begged me to sit with her, which I did. I'm also a big sucker for the little boy. He was eating pasta and got the sauce all over his face. He was so cute! Plus he's a little trouble maker.

All I want is a little boy and a little girl. I want to make a lot of money, but that's so I can provide my hypothetical children with everything I didn't have. One of the reasons for my grand goal of becoming a Bureaucrat is that I would only have to work 40 hours a week, and then I could spend the rest of the time with my family. Plus Bureaucrats get a ton of vacation time, so I could spend more time with my hypothetical children.

One of my friends is pregnant. REALLY pregnant. She is so big and round and beautiful. I can't wait to have my wife that round and beautiful. I mean, I can wait. I'm from Concord, I'm twenty-three and I don't have kids, so clearly I'm capable of understanding delayed gratification. But I really, really want to have a little boy and a little girl. Or just one. Whatever God wants me to have. (And I do think God will let me know what God wants me to do as far as that is concerned).

I'm such a soft, wussy guy now. My brother was telling me about the Halloween costume he made for my neice, The Sawyer. And I got so excited. What is wrong with me? I seriously get teary eyed during Kenny Chesney's "My Wife and Kids" song. I got teary eyed when I saw the picture of my friend all round and pregnant. I am getting lamer by the hour. In five years, I'm going to be the Lamest Man Alive.

But don't get it confused. I'm still white trash. I'm still from an insane family. So if anyone messed with my hypothetical child, I would go Ghengis Khan on them. I almost destroyed half of Charlotte when my kitten was spayed and I didn't feel like she was getting the care she deserved. I am fully capable of destroying a major metropolitan area under the right circumstances.

Still, I just want to be with the woman I love, and I want her to be round and beautiful and pregnant. Just once. Maybe twice if I'm lucky.

Keys to making me happy:

1. A woman who loves me and wants to be with me. (No value judgment, Larry, I'm just not into guys).
2. A little boy or a little girl or a little boy and a little girl.
3. A Bureaucrat's job.
4. A cat pagoda for my kittens.


Everything else is just bonus.