Ron Paul

Please save us Grandpa Paul!


As I drove to my health food store for lunch, also known as Bojangles, I noticed a large group of protesters at the corner of Tryon and Harris. As I passed by, I noticed that they were holding Ron Paul for President signs. One actually said, "Get Crunk for the Constitution!" Oh Ron Paul supporters, you're so silly! I appreciate the effort, but I will not be seduced by Grandpa Paul. Although I probably would be seduced by Mike Huckabee, 'cause he would take me on a date to Applebees and then on to square dancing! Call me Mike!

Anyway, liberals often find themselves strangely seduced by Ron Paul. Not me, of course, because I would not cheat on my party with a Republican, except for Huckabee. And Huckabee would only be a wild one night square dancing fling. (Seriously, call me Mike). Liberals see Ron on Bill Maher and think, "Maybe I should vote for him?" Republicans seem to hate Ron Paul, so liberals think he might be okay. Um, not so much.

But before I get all negative, let me show some support for Ron and the four votes that he's going to take away from the guy with 11 wives, Giuliani.

Things to like about Ron Paul;

1. He wants to end the war in Iraq.
2. In an effort to reduce government waste, he limits his name to two syllables.
3. He could totally when a cage death match with the other stridently anti-war candidate, Dennis Kucinich.
4. He's from Texas. We've gotten a lot of great Presidents out of Texas.
5. Um, he might be related to RuPaul?

Okay, so the main reason people like him is because he's anti-war. Plus he's not scary like Pat Buchanan, our last Libertarian anti-war candidate. In the grand tradition of isolationism, Ron Paul is the latest old white guy to want to go back to the days of the Constitution. Those glorious days when women couldn't vote, African Americans were slaves and Native Americans were getting free small pox blankets. Ann Coulter is fully in support in going back to those glory days!

The problem with Ron Paul is that he's a Libertarian, which means he doesn't think the government should do anything. I could get all philosophical and do the "If men were angels" quote, but I'm just going to list the programs that Ron Paul would like to get rid of.

1. No more Department of Education.
2. No socialized healthcare. Just get a stronger immune system.
3. No welfare. Sorry poor kids, maybe you should have been born to someone with money. Food stamps are for the week!
4. People should opt out of Social Security. Sorry old people, I hope you have a bunch of cash saved under the mattress.
5. No foreign aid. If we're not going to have food stamps for Americans, we're damned sure not going to send corn to starving Somalians.
6. Somehow he's an "unshakable foe of abortion". I'm not sure how this jibes with his Libertarian tendencies, but I do know how it jibes with him getting reelected.
7. No same-sex adoption. Can't have gay people raising kids, obviously.
8. He supports tighter border security. So although we can't provide health care for people, we can build a big, pointless fence.
9. He doesn't support the Federal Reserve increasing the money supply. Basically, the less money in the market, the more each dollar is worth. Which is fantastic! Doesn't everyone want their student loans and mortgages cost more over time, thanks to the glorious benefits of deflation? I know I do!
10. He opposes judicial activism. So if you want more Scalias and Thomases, go ahead and vote for the guy.


The simple fact is that Ron Paul will never be president. And that's fine. He's not supposed to be. He's supposed to broaden the debate. We keep Leprechaun Kucinich around because he broadens the debate, not because we want to live in his anti-trade Communist paradise. Lets just not get seduced by agreeing with the Leprechaun or Grandpa Paul on one issue.

Voting for president is a long term commitment, like a marriage. Don't vote for someone that's really good at one thing but sucks at everything else. You wouldn't marry someone who has a nice car but no moral compass or work ethic. Oh wait, I just figured out who votes for Ron Paul. People I went to high school with. Now things make sense.