Sweet, Beautiful Capitalism

I'm looking at funding sources for a new autism foundation. Why? 'Cause non-profits pay me that real cheddar, son! Dolla dolla bill, y'all!

In my research, I've been looking at charitable foundation. See, when you make, I don't know, a billion dollars, you start to feel guilty, so you start a charitable foundation. Naturally, you can't give all of your ill gotten gain, I mean profits, to the poor. You need to make sure that the funds keep growing and that you can have control over a little fiefdom. You shall not give money to the poor unless you can meet my completely pointless criteria!

For some reason, people who start charitable foundations seem to make their focus areas the areas where their company has caused the most problems. For example, the Kate B Reynolds charitable trust gives money for health care. Kate B Reynolds, as in the makers of Camel, Winston, Doral and Salem brand cigarettes. Fantastic! We give you lung cancer and then we give away money for health care!

Duke Energy, which constructs nuclear power plants from the blood of children, has the environment as its main focus area. Now I don't have a problem with nuclear power plants and I'm glad Duke created Lake Norman, but still...