We're all going to DIE!!!!!!

I do love CNN. In my deepest darkest fantasy, I tie up Anderson Cooper who is wearing a gimp outfit. Then Wolf Blitzer, dressed as a naughty nurse, announces that he's hear to give everyone prostate exams. Then Larry King, dressed as Larry King, tells me he's going to put a cigar in a very naughty place. We all love each other with the love that dare not speak its name. Later, Ted Turner, dressed as an angry cowboy, tells us that he's not paying us to "stem the rose".

So basically, I love CNN. But there may be problems with CNN, such as the fact that it is run by morons and bases its marketing on fear mongering. Irans going to blow us up! All the polar bears are dying! Spinach gives people AIDS! And today, we're all going to die from TOYS!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

The title of CNNs expose: Trouble in Toyland; Recalls, Fears and Solutions.

It should be called: We're Douche Bags; Scarying You Unnecessarily Since 1980.

Look, we're not going to die from Bob the Builder. Your kids are not going to die, and if they do, they'll get hit by a car or kidnapped by some pedophile. They aren't going to die because of lead poisoning. Hell, tons of rich people live on Lake Norman, and their children happily frolic next to the Duke Nuclear Power Plant. And guess what, rich people are smarter than the rest of us. That's why they're rich. (As a general rule. I know Paris Hilton is dumb, and that all African American high school janitors are sages).

We are such a whiny little punk of a nation. Our grand parents worried about being killed by the Nazis, our parents grew up in fear of a nuclear Holocaust, and we're worried about spinach and Dora the Explorer. And if your kid dies from lead poisoning, its because they ATE the Thomas the Train toy. Which means your kid is a moron and would have died soon anyway.

Be cool, people. No worries. Bush, Exxon, and General Motors are responsible for far more deaths than lead paint in toys. Al Gore, Charlie Wies and Mark Mangino are responsible for more deaths due to starvation then lead paint in toys.

Oh and one more thing. The doctor that CNN used to talk about the dangers of lead poisioning is an Indian named, sh*t thee not, Dr. Mengele. Which is quite possibly the funniest and most ironic thing, ever.