Al Gore is a Moron

It was cold today. And it was cold yesterday. I used the heater in my car all day. This, conclusively, proves that Global Warming is not real, and that Al Gore is a moron.

I'VE BEEN WEARING SWEATERS FOR THE PAST WEEK, MR. GORE! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!

I have many problems with the Global Warming Myth. First, it involves polar bears, who are evil. I know, because the Catholic League said that polar bears are evil. Actually, the Catholic League said that the Golden Compass is an atheistic movie, and it has polar bears in it. So polar bears are evil, and definitely don't keep communion. If these godless carnivores drown, is that really a problem?

Second, Global Warming is all agreed upon by scienctists. Seeing as I got a D in chemistry, the only subject I've ever gotten a D in, that means that scientists are morons. (Except for Hokie scientists. They're different.) Think about it. I've taken about a hundred classes in my lifetime, and I've gotten one D. Which means the person who taught it was a moron, because I, clearly, am not.

What is all this science about, anyway? The ice caps melting? Give me a break! This is such nonsense. Set aside atheistic polar bears, who are these people measuring ice? Are biologists measuring ice? I hope not, because ice isn't alive people! And if there's some science where all they do is study ice, well, that's pretty f--ing stupid. What do you do for a living? You study ice? Fantastic. Next there's going to be a whole science devoted to studying rocks. Ice and rocks aren't alive, people! Stop being retarded!

Plus, Al Gore is fat. Never listen to fat people. Al Gore only wants it to stay cold because he has a protective layer of blubber. Since I am not in fact a manatee, I would like the weather to be a little bit hotter. I'm sure Michael Moore is upset about global warming too. Sorry liberal fatties, don't ruin things for the rest of us! Just because you feel inadequate about your bodies doesn't mean the rest of us should have to suffer. Michael Moore and Al Gore need to go have sex in an igloo and leave the rest of us alone.

Finally, if global warming were real, which it isn't because I'm cold today, it would cost money to fix it. Its way cheaper to just relocate to the interior whenever the East Coast sinks under the waves. Its not my fault that Charlotte was smart enough to be located inland. If we lost New York, Boston and Tallahassee, would that really be a loss? Losing Ted Kennedy, the Patriots, Bobby Bowden and that Polish jackass that coaches Boston College (the one I kill every night in my dreams), that's not a loss, that's a blessing. Its an opportunity. God loves Southerners. We speak properly. If we lose all the New Englanders, it will just make things easier to understand. Plus, everybody in Boston is drunk anyway, so they won't even notice.

So lets try to start Global Warming, which clearly isn't occurring yet, because I was cold today. If everyone drives a Hummer, God willing, we can drown all the douche bags on the Red Sox by next year. Sure, we'd lose baseball and those annoying accents, but I would be warm and I would have a beach house on Tryon.