Even GW was a Washington Outsider

We are now in a constant election cycle, similar to the constant sports cycle. Football, for example, is predominately played from August to January, but the hype surrounding football is constant with drafts, scouts, and assorted other nonsense. There are many causes for this, 24 hour cable sports channels, the Internet, the idea that everyone has to have an opinion on everything. And that same mentality crosses over into politics. With CNN, Fox News going twenty four hours a day, with hundreds of Internet sites updated daily and with constant water cooler talk, we have entered the non-ending political cycle. And so we debate the Presidential primary candidates over a year before the actual primaries.

What is the problem with this? Its clearly quantity over quality. I've never been around anyone who thought CNN or ESPN have provided thoughtful insight to their respective fields. Instead they show clips, make a couple of comments, and show more clips. This dumbs down the conversation, and leads to a barrage of cliches from both the politicians and the commentators.

There is little substance any more. Maybe that's an American thing. Maybe we just want everything to be easily digestible. Even our religion is getting watered down. Don't worry about reading the Bible, just listen to the catch phrases. That's the main premise for mega churches. Is that a bad thing? I think so. Maybe most people want something that's easy to digest, but I want something to chew on for a while.

And politics is the worst place for catch phrases. Very few people actually question them. For example, take one of the phrases I hate the most, "Washington insider" or its variant, "Washington Outsider". For some reason, being a Washington insider is bad, but being an outsider is good. Which is idiotic. Sorry, but I'd like my President to understand how government works and to be familiar with how to run the country. Could you imagine this happening in business? Can you imagine Starbucks bringing in someone who doesn't know how to run the company? "Well Frank here doesn't know anything about coffee. In fact, he doesn't know anything about running a business. Which is great. He's an outsider!"

George W Bush ran his 2000 campaign as a "Washington outsider". His DAD WAS PRESIDENT! Am I missing something? The fact that his dad was president isn't a bad thing, I would argue its a good thing. But if your dad is the president, you're not an outsider. You're the insider. Either words mean something or they don't.

The current Washington Outsider that is going to save the Capital City from all the professionals is Barack Obama. I like Barack. He's intelligent, a great speaker, yada yada yada. But he's not a Washington Outsider. First, he's a senator, so he works in Washington. Second, he's not an Outsider, he's just inexperienced. Its not like he's been the governor of Nebraska for 30 years, learning how to be self sufficient while he farms corn. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's more familiar with those inside Washington then those outside it.

To sum up, "Washington Outsider" is a code word to the "Heartland" people. And why are they in the "Heartland", because that's not where the brain is.

The next cliche that I hate is flip flopper. This is the one that sank John Kerry. Well John Kerry being a moron sunk John Kerry, but anyway. Flip flopper is the negative phrase used against thinking people. Thinking people change their minds. Which is reasonable. And acceptable. And necessary. But you can't let common sense get in the way of a good catch phrase.

Who are they crucifying for being a "flip flopper" now? Hilary Clinton. Now most people that hate Hilary hate her because she's an intelligent woman. God forbid we have a female senator! Or worse, a female president! Gasp! She should be in the kitchen, fixing Bill a sandwich. She shouldn't be.........ambitious!

So where's her flip flop? The Iraq War. In 2002, she voted for authorizing the Iraq War. Now, she's said she wants the war to end. What could possibly make her flip flop? Um, maybe the fact that the war was a complete disaster. I think that might be it. Now if I have someone house sit for me, and then they burn down the house, that's not my fault. And it doesn't mean that having someone house sit was a bad idea. It means the person doing the house sitting is a moron who should be publicly flogged.

Changing your mind when the situation changes is not called flip flopping. Its called being thoughtful, or adapting, or being receptive to change. Its called evolving. You know what I call never changing your mind? I call it being stubborn, unwilling, and unhelpful. But then, in this country, that's often called "Leadership".

Seasonal Depression, What Fun!

Well, its February 19th, and I officially don't care. About anything.

Not to say I'm not trying. I'm putting forth the effort needed for me to be successful. I am turning in work on time, not doing heroin, positive things like that. But things suck.

For some reason, it seems like my life is always a year and a half away from being good. In a year and a half, I'll be making money! In a year and a half, someone will want to be with me! In a year and a half, I'll have a super cool degree! In a year and a half, it will rain happiness and candy!

And it always seems like its a year and a half away because it always is. I buy into all the nonsense, I really do. I just want to study hard and make good grades and change the world! But the fact is, I've never had money, and probably never will. At least not enough to matter. In a year and a half, I won't be making enough money. In a year and a half, my family will still give me grief. In a year and a half, I will still contemplate plunging head first off the fourth floor of Fretwell in the hopes that I'll receive enough brain damage where I won't have to think about this stuff any more.

But its okay. I'll feel better in a couple of months. And in the summer, I'll convince myself I can be the town manager of some hick community and that everything will be fine. Its easier to believe anything when its warm.

Why is this so difficult?

So I helped a professor return exams today for one of the big 150 person lecture classes. I tried to be respectful of the fact that we have a pretty diverse campus with a lot of people from a lot of different backgrounds. So to be respectful, I pronounced the names the way they were spelled on the scantron.

There is a certain amount of racism that goes along with the whole name pronunciation thing. In my hick high school, on the first day of class, my hick teachers would fall all over themselves. God forbid someone had a name that wasn't John or Susan. They couldn't even pronounce my name correctly, and my name's in the Bible. So I don't appreciate people who fumble over names.

I'm passing out the papers, and I get to a "Kbite Farmer". Okay, fine. Possibly an African student. No biggie. I call it out. No response. Oh well. I go through the whole list, get back to "Kbite Farmer". I call it out again. Still no response. Must not be here.

Then this fat, hick looking girl comes up. "I'm Katie," she says, looking indignant. She looks at me like I'm the moron. She can't bubble in her own name. She is a college student at a public university and she can't bubble in her own name! And she acts like I'm retarded! Seriously, Kbite, I mean Katie, kill yourself. You bombed the test anyway.

And how does anyone fail a multiple choice Intro to American Government test? Really? How is that possibly? Sorry guys, but you live here. The majority have lived in America for eighteen plus years. How hard is this question?

Who is the Commander in Chief?

A: The President
B: The Grand Ayatollah
C: Your Mom
D: Potato

The next time some hick complains about immigrants, I want them to take a simple, fundamental test on the American political system. And then when they fail it, we can deport them to somewhere where they'll be welcomed, like 17th Century South Carolina.

The Hypocrite Awards

My good friend and secret lover Rush Limbaugh is in the news for making an idiotic comment about race. (See post below). In honor of Rush, I am making an award for all the moral crusaders who turn out to be moral degenerates. The award will be known as the Limbaugh. Here are the finalists.

Number 5.

In a coup, Rush is the first finalist for his namesake award! Why? Well because our favorite moral crusader not only pops pills but is also getting a divorce from his third wife. Third? Seriously? That sounds like Hollywood, not the Heartland. And oh yeah, Rush said Michael J. Fox, who has Parkinson's, faked his condition. Thanks a lot, Rush! You validate my liberal worldview!

Number 4

Mark Foley

Overly-friendly congressman Mark Foley is a fun-loving Republican from Florida. He sexually harrassed male pages (pages are under 18) sending them explicit emails. Highlights include,

Foley: Do I make you a little horny?

Page: A little.

I would post a picture, but I'm pretty sure my computer screen would melt because of this pervert.

Number 3

Bill Clinton

On a bi-partisan note, maybe Bill Clinton shouldn't be signing the Defense of Marriage Act considering he's a lying adulterer who let a multi-year sex scandel distract the nation. Thanks Bill!

With our powers combined, we can make the worst president ever!

Number 2

There was a lot of competition for the number 2 spot, but this is strictly an award for hypocrites. The Limbaugh is too prestigious to be simply given to some evil creep, it has to be an evil hypocritical creep. Which brings us to............

Rudy Giuliani. While Rudy was spending time cleaning up New York City of all its sex clubs, etc, he was also cheating on his wife. Um, his second wife, that is. (Rudy's been married three times, all together. He and Rush must hang in the same circles). Not only did he have a mistress, but he wanted to bring her into Gracie Mansion while he was still married. For all the grief Bill Clinton caused Hillary, he never tried to build bunk beds for Monica.

So thanks Rudy, for cheating on your wife and rubbing her face in it. You were pretty close to winning the Limbaugh, but you weren't quite enough of a hypocrite. A degnerate? Well that's a different award.

Man, if he would only get married two more times, he could be the Person of the Century. Seriously, shouldn't this matter?

And then there was Number 1.

There's really only one person it could be. Only one person can win the coveted Limbaugh Award for Hypocrisy. Sure, some of the other candidates were pill poppers. Most were disgusting, cheating perverts. But how can you possibly be the most hypocritical person in America. How can you possibly out shine Rudy and Rush's combined 6 marriages? Here's how....

1. Become a preacher at a large Evangelical church.

2. Speak out against Gay Marriage.

3. Secretly be gay.

4. Buy methamphetamines and "massages" from a gay male escort.

5. Be interviewed for a movie called Jesus Camp.

Mix it all together and you get the Limbaugh award winner, my friend, your friend, everybody's friend...............Ted Haggard!!!!!!

Sometimes, when I solicit a male escort, I'm an Evangelical Preacher who wrote a book called "Taking it to the Streets". It could happen to anyone.

How come I don't have a radio show?

So my good friend Rush Limbaugh is back in the news. Guess what? He said some idiotic racially retarded comments. Wow, he hasn't done that before. Oh wait....yeah he did.

Rush is one of my favorite people, because its not often you find a giant hypocrite who is so blatant. Moral crusader who pops pills. That's right up there with anti-gay marriage pastor who does meth with gay escort (Ted Haggard is another one of my favorite people). Anyway, a while ago Rush said idiotic comments about Donovan McNabb the Eagles quaterback. Apparently the press is in love with "black quarterbacks". Um, yeah. The media loves black people. Great call there, Rush.

Now, Rush is talking about football again. He says that the Media (I hate the monolithic Media) is giving Rex Grossman, the Bears quaterback from a Super Bowl a bunch of grief because he's, get this "a white quaterback". That's it! It makes perfect sense! The racist media hates white people! Especially white quarterbacks!

Rex Grossman is being persecuted because of his skin color. Not because he threw three interceptions and fumbled in the Super Bowl, but because he's white! Not because he had a 0.0 quarterback rating in a regular season game (0.0 by the way, is the worst possible rating), its 'cause he lacks melanin. Thank God Rush cleared that up!

I can only imagine a world where the Media doesn't persecute white quarterbacks. One day, hopefully soon, Peyton Manning can stop being persecuted for his race and get a deal to do some commercials. Maybe one day the Media will stop persecuting guys like Dan Marino and Troy Aikman and let them be commentators. I am so sick of Tom Brady being put down because of the color of his skin! Please, someone sing we will overcome! This racism is disgusting! But one day, there will be white quarterbacks portrayed positively. One day white coaches can get jobs in the NFL. One day there may even be a white owner. I can dream, I suppose.

Rush must really be on some fun drugs if he's this far out of whack. I guess the only way I could argue that the Media isn't racist towards white men is to present objective reality. But you know what, maybe Rush is on to something. I mean, the Media does talk a lot about Barack Obama. I guess black quarterbacks run the NFL just like Obama runs Congress! Keep up the good fight, Rush, you souless moron!

Best Picture Ever

Isn't love grand? I wish they'd make a movie out of this..... Asshole Mountain, or maybe just Two Giant Pricks.

Baby Sawyer in the snow

Here's my ultra cute niece in her first snow. Baby Sawyer will one day rule the world!