I miss Jerry

Look at him..........Wasn't he beautiful? Those jowls, that haircut, the perfectly Conservative suit. Making love to Jerry Falwell would've been like making love to a rainbow, except more amazing. And I just know, even though he had a hard outer shell, he had creamy filling inside. In fact, I think the creamy filling was what killed him. Long story short, I miss this angel of the Christian right, this authoritarian, out of touch, fringe lunatic. Who could replace him? No one, that's who. Jerry was one of a kind. God broke the mold when he took that amazing man back.

Who could forget a man who said things like this:

"The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."

"The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews."

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"

or a man who places the blame for 9/11 were it belongs:

"The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

Plus, Jerry doesn't take crap from the Sodomites. (I'm looking at you, Ted Haggard. Call me. Please.)

"AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh's charioteers ... AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."

And the mascot for the Sodomites, no not Ted Haggard, but Tinky Winky.

"He is purple — the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle — the gay pride symbol."

Plus, he said stuff that only a senile religious fanatic could say. An amazing combo of biblical references and idiocy.

"Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them."

"Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America."

That being said, no one could take the mantle from Jerry, now that he's gone. Who's going to do it? Pat Robertson? Pat Robertson is a sell out. He has Skinny Wednesdays. He has a diet shake. Pat Robertson couldn't carry Jerry's legacy. Mainly because Jerry's legacy weighed half a ton, but still.

There is no heir apparent for Jerry. He was a giant. A woolly mammoth of unadulterated hate. When Jerry said the feminists were ruining the world, you knew he meant it. Sure, most fundamentalist nut jobs think women should be subservient, but how many are willing to go the extra mile? How many are willing to blame gay people for AIDS or blame pagans for 9/11? And how many of those snake worshipping madmen are morbidly obese? Because remember, Jerry isn't just Jerry because he hates Ben and Jerrys (they're a gay couple, right?) but also because he ate Ben and Jerrys.

I figured they would just call it quits. Liberty University would close, the Old Time Gospel Hour would be finished. A leadership void would be created and a new brand of hatred and hyperbole would be born. But no. I turned on the Old Time Gospel Hour and saw this douche.

Ladies and Gentleman, its Jonathan Falwell, the most underwhelming religious fanatic of all time! Wow, this has to be the least intimidating man.......ever. Someone tell Cartman there's a ginger running Thomas Road Baptist Church!

Now I did listen to him for a little bit. Long enough to not be impressed. The man has no presence. I understand that his dad was the size of a beluga whale, but still. Is this what the future holds? Is Liberty University going to be run by Ron Howard's intolerant brother? If so, then count me out! I want interesting religious fanatics not this clown.

Somehow, replacing Jerry Falwell's famous "Gays are of the Devil" sermon with a sermon about remembering to put on sunscreen, is just not going to do it for me.

There could be some dark family secret that proves Jonathan is up to the task. Maybe he's really a vampire. That would be cool. I could get behind a religious fanatic vampire.

Actually, no he can't be a vampire. Look at the picture I found.....

Would Jerry Falwell consent to having his picture taken in the kid center? Of course not. Unless Jerry was hungry, and decided to eat one. (That's why Baptists have so many kids. No one likes talking about the child sacrifice element.)

Awesome. Jonathan Falwell. Fantastic.

If Pat Buchanan ever dies, I swear, I might have to kill myself. All the joy from the world will then be gone. Luckily, unlike Jonathan Falwell, Pat Buchanan actually is a vampire. So there's always that.

We need to explain capitalism better

Apparently a Chinese toy factory shipped over toys with excessive amounts of lead. So not only will Barbie give your daughter an unhealthy view of her own body, and not only will Batman teach your son be overly aggressive and to view the world in black and white, but the toys could also kill them.

The boss of the factory responded the worst way possible. He killed himself. His product had a little extra lead (which could have been a plus if only it had been marketed properly) and he hung himself. I thought we were supposed to teach the rest of the world capitalism. Clearly, we are failing.

The first rule about capitalism is the only thing that matters is making money. If some kid can't handle a little extra lead, that's not the companies fault. And the toys didn't even kill anyone. Sure, they were linked to brain damage, but this is America. There's a one in four chance that the kid was going to be an idiot anyway.

Secondly, there is plenty of money to be made by killing people. I would hate to think that the CEO of Phillip Morris would kill himself just because his product kills hundreds of thousands of people every year. Every night, someone in Charlotte drives into a wall because their drunk, but that doesn't keep Pete Coors from running for the Senate. And I would hate to think that some mining company CEO would apologize for creating unsafe work conditions and getting people killed. C'mon people, lets keep it together.

China does so well, it just needs a little help. Remember, all my Chinese industrialist friends, remember the most important rule in running a business..........its not your fault. Its never your fault. When you accept responsibility, the terrorists win. Terrorists hate capitalism and love accepting responsibility.

So just remember, when your product kills millions of people, don't accept responsibility, just ask for more research to be done. Maybe lead has some positive health benefits. The health Nazis never thought of that, did they? And never kill yourself just because your product kills people. That lead paint was probably cheaper then the lead intolerant alternative. And if it was cheaper, you just helped out your shareholders. So don't kill yourself, give yourself a raise.

Sweet

My professor finished her paper and I was listed on the first page, it said "special thanks to Jeremiah Olson" or something along those lines.

See, this is why they don't pay grad students well. Because they know little meaningless recognitions make us fill good. I really need to get into a field that will pay well AND give me meaningless recognition.

Easter Thoughts

I went to mass with my Catholic roommate today. I figured he never goes, and I've never been to mass, so I might as well see what its like. And I realized, Catholic mass is 99.999 percent the same as Lutheran church. The words are exactly the same. We sing them a little differently, but the words are exactly the same.

Here are the differences:

1. Catholics do the sign of the cross a lot.
2. Um, that's pretty much it.

I'm really glad that we fought multiple wars with each other and killed each other in the name of religious differences. I also like how Republicans complain about the Sunni and Shia in Iraq killing each other for small reasons. Um, we killed each other because they have a Pope and they make the sign of the cross a lot. That is really the most retarded thing I've ever heard of.

Now I know the religious wars were really about money and political influence, but they were still justified by crushing the non-believers. And hundreds of years later, we fight wars based on even more abstract reasons. We used to fight over religion, now we're fighting for Freedom and Democracy. We've down graded from a belief system to an idea. In a hundred years there going to be fighting for Goodness and Niceness. God help us all.

Here's my other thought.........

Why am I not considered religious?

I go to church. I read the Bible. I pray. I use religion as the basis for my moral code and belief system. My political beliefs are based on tolerance, sympathy and love for my neighbor. I even care about the poor. This is all from the Gospel. But for some reason, I'm not considered a religious person. I don't even consider myself religious. This is ridiculous.

The simple reason why I'm not considered religious is because I'm a liberal. I have a conservative friend who never goes to church, who never really does anything, and he's considered religious. Why? Because he's from a hick town where everyone calls themselves religious and Christian. Shouldn't you have to do something for your religion? Can you really just claim it? How can you be religious when you don't actively participate in your religion?

Clearly, I'm missing something. I just wish that religion became about, um, the religion, and not all these coded political messages. Fantastic, you don't want gay people to get married. But being a bigot doesn't make you religious. You have to actually participate. You have to actually try to expand your mind.

So this is Easter. Our God literally raised himself from the dead, and you slackers can't raise yourself out of bed. If you don't watch football games, you aren't a fan. If you don't do your work, you're not a good employee. If you don't go to church, you're not religious. This shouldn't be hard to understand.

But then what do I know? I'm a pagan liberal. Nature and Mother Earth help my future offspring!

Maybe This Is Why We're Losing....

"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself—not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch."—President Bush, after visiting with wounded veterans from the Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center, San Antonio, Texas, Jan. 1, 2006


If you want to get really depressed, here's the full list of Bushisms.


http://www.slate.com/id/76886/

The Case for Hillary

Hillary Clinton is running for President. Barack Obama is running for President. Its difficult for me to decide which would matter more, a black President or a woman President. It is difficult to decide who has suffered more; women from sexism or African Americans. At first glance, it may not seem difficult, given the history of slavery, lynchings and Jim Crow laws. But you have to remember the constant, systematic oppression of women. Women were only recently allowed to own their own cars. Marital rape was only recently considered a crime. And women currently suffer a constant barrage of negativity and sexism. I wish I could go to Sports Illustrated and read about the Panthers and my university's somewhat crappy basketball team without seeing half naked swimsuit models in objectifying poses (and at this point in my life, the swimsuit models aren't even arousing. Thanks Dr. Finley and Paula. I'm pretty much a eunuch now).

But even if I can't wrap my head around the "do women or African Americans deserve it more", I can state very simply which candidate deserves it more, and that's Hillary Clinton. There is not a single Democratic candidate that embodies the Democratic Party more, that deserves it more, then Hillary. Not Barack, not John Edwards, no one. Hillary deserves the nomination and I would vote for her if I lived in a state that was so useless it had to boost its self esteem by hosting an early primary (I'm looking at you, South Carolina).

First, Hillary Clinton has a law degree. This is important. Why? Um, because the government's job is to write laws. The Supreme Court gets kind of pissy when Congress and the President come up with unconstitutional laws. Having a law degree should be part of the qualifications for being president. I don't have a law degree, which is part of why I shouldn't be president. I would ban the Republican party and give Texas back to Mexico. The Supreme Court would not like that. Which is a good thing.

Second, Hillary understands policy. She has been studying policy the majority of her life. She knows about health care, she knows about education. If Hillary were presenting the same health care plan that she produced in the mid 1990s, she would be widely praised. Remember, she came up with universal health care a decade ago, and now that's suddenly in fashion.

Third, Hillary is a grown up. After 9/11, Hillary voted to authorize the invasion of Iraq. Was that a mistake? Now it seems like it. But she doesn't recant her vote. She doesn't call for immediate withdrawal in an attempt to raise funds, like John Edwards. The atmosphere of the United States was different four years ago. And four years ago, the war wasn't yet a fiasco. It could have worked if we didn't have the Brush Clearer as commander in chief. Hilary was able to make a grown up decision. And she didn't make a political one. She based her decision on what she thought was best. That takes courage. Although I'd like to point out that someone like Max Cleland of Georgia showed more courage by voting against the war in a red state. We need someone with courage and conviction. We need someone who's stable. We've had two successive frat boy presidents. We need a grown up.

Fourth, Hillary's people are grown ups. Hilary is surrounded by policy wonks and by the people who won the last Democratic election. She is surrounded by people like Terry McAuliffe, the former Democratic Party Chairman (he was the sane one before Howard Dean. He was also the one who raised half a billion dollars). She is surrounded by people who have been in the Democratic Party their entire lives. She is surrounded by people with positions and policies and plans (Unlike Barack Obama, who isn't exactly a policy wonk and definitely doesn't have the same caliber of people around him). Hillary Clinton and her people are a government in exile. A group of grown ups ready to take over in 2008.

Fifth, Hillary Clinton is a moderate. Which is a good thing. This doesn't mean she's a closet Republican, it means she has a brain. The liberal wing of the Democratic Party, people like myself, does not need to be in charge. Look at Bush. He's insane, mostly because the people who back him are insane. The fringe does not need to have that much of an impact. President Bush shouldn't be calling in support at abortion rallies and talking to Pat Robertson. Hilary shouldn't and wouldn't talk to Michael Moore and Dennis Kucinich. This should be applauded. And the fact is, we will get more of what we want from a moderate Democratic President then some left winger. I would love to end the war tomorrow, have gay people get married and blow up Fox News, but its not going to happen. And it shouldn't. The President runs a country, not a club. A country needs stability. We need a moderate Democrat.

Sixth, Hillary can win. She has a great support staff for a reason. She's not like John Edwards down in Chapel Hill trying to russle up whoever he can get. She's not like Barack Obama trying to fund a Presidential race with his book sales. She has the money, the staff, the policies and the determination to win.

Seventh, Hillary knows how to fight. This is the woman who said there was a "vast right wing conspiracy" against her and her family. Now I don't think she actually believes that, but when the right hit her, she hit back. She knows how to fight and will fight. And after watching John Kerry's inability to defend his record in Vietnam and after watching Al Gore beat himself, I would like to see someone who knows how to stand up for themselves. Part of me knows not to mess with Hillary, which is a good thing.

Eighth, Hillary IS a good example. She married a philandering pig. She should have cut his balls off, that's true. But at the same time, Hillary is a woman who worked hard all her life, in college, in law school, in Arkansas, in Washington and in the Senate. She is an example to little boys and girls that you don't have to be the richest person in the world, you just have to work the hardest. She is an example of a smart, hard working woman and should be embraced.

Ninth, Bill would be "First Gentleman". This could work out one of a couple of ways. First, Bill could be a regal, refined statesman, traveling the world and fixing problems. Or he could stay with his pig headed nature in which case Hillary could shoot him in the head and then have Vice President Obama pardon her. Either way is fine with me.

And finally, Hillary should win because she is a DEMOCRAT. She has a record. She votes the way she's supposed to and would veto bad bills. But the most important thing is that she has been in the party for decades. She has put in the time and the effort. She is the captain of the varsity team. Let Edwards and Obama fight over the JV squad. You know what you're going to get when you vote for Hillary. You're getting a stable, hardworking, intelligent, experienced adult. You're getting the anti-Bush. And that is exactly what we need.

It's Market Failure, Not Government Failure

I love America. I really do. We're a country that hates paying taxes, hates lawyers and hates minorities. Because why would you want to pay for services, appreciate the people who protect your rights, or appreciate the diversity and struggle of people who have had it harder than you? This is a great country! Nationalism at sporting events, a poverty rate based on the cost of an "economical" meal, and a C average president! But the best thing about this country is the near religious belief in capitalism.

First, let me say I'm glad there's an Invisible Hand. That sounds wonderful! Maybe there can be a Unicorn of Free Trade and a Griffin of Prosperity! Seriously? An Invisible Hand? This is what we're going with? Darwin's bad, but some Invisible Hand? Did I miss something?

Capitalism is not a form of government, it is an economic system. Is it the best economic system? Probably. But it needs to be countered by the government. Unregulated markets lead to all sorts of bad things. Do we need to be Cuba? Of course not. But we do need to be a bit stricter than say Reagan or a 17th Century colonist.

My pal Ronald Reagan famously said that "Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem". Such lovingly poetic quotes from America's favorite B-list actor. Anyway, this assumes that the government restrictions are the problem, that government programs are the problem, but let me ask this: Which came first? Did we have free markets or government programs?

The answer, is that we had free markets first. We also had "Faith Based Organizations" first. The Church is very old. Capitalism is very old. Trade is very old. Government welfare is the new kid on the block. Trade unions are young. Worker's rights, indeed individual rights, is a pretty new concept. I'll give you a hint, Coca Cola has been around a lot longer than Social Security and Standard Oil, along with its lovely descendants, was ripping people off long before we came up with food stamps.

So why do we have these programs? Because the markets failed. The religious and charitable organizations failed. The Church couldn't provide for everyone (not that it should be expected to). Nonprofits did not have the resources to fix society's problems. And the markets? The markets were a huge part of society's problems.

Lets think about what the markets have given us. I'll start with the positives. Markets have given us Coke and Pepsi, Ipods and Itunes, fast computers, fast cars, nice TVs and beautiful houses. Markets have generated a lot of wealth and jobs for a fair number of people. Markets have also provided the tax base necessary for government to do its work.

Now lets move onto the slightly more negative things that markets have given us. Things like slavery (sorry, but its true, its all about keeping down labor costs), child labor, sweat shops, prostitution in its various forms, oil spills, factory farms, gated communities, asbestos, cigarettes, a thousand types of alcohol, monopolies, price gouging, and Haliburton.

This isn't to say that markets are bad or good. They're markets. Society cannot let itself be ruled by economic self interest. That leaves way too many people behind. Markets are a tool, not an end. And markets benefit tremendously from the government.

Starbucks doesn't have to build its own roads, or its own school system. Microsoft doesn't have to invent mass transit or a system of laws. The knowledge and experience of hundreds of state universities benefits the markets. And even regulations help. Burger King may not like having to cook its hamburgers, but I'm pretty sure the other companies appreciate their employees not dying of food poisoning. Exxon and Duke Power might hate the Environmental Protection Agency, but I for one appreciate that the government limits the amount of poison in my environment.

Government isn't the problem, but proper Government is the solution.