I miss Jerry

Look at him..........Wasn't he beautiful? Those jowls, that haircut, the perfectly Conservative suit. Making love to Jerry Falwell would've been like making love to a rainbow, except more amazing. And I just know, even though he had a hard outer shell, he had creamy filling inside. In fact, I think the creamy filling was what killed him. Long story short, I miss this angel of the Christian right, this authoritarian, out of touch, fringe lunatic. Who could replace him? No one, that's who. Jerry was one of a kind. God broke the mold when he took that amazing man back.

Who could forget a man who said things like this:

"The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."

"The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews."

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"

or a man who places the blame for 9/11 were it belongs:

"The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

Plus, Jerry doesn't take crap from the Sodomites. (I'm looking at you, Ted Haggard. Call me. Please.)

"AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh's charioteers ... AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."

And the mascot for the Sodomites, no not Ted Haggard, but Tinky Winky.

"He is purple — the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle — the gay pride symbol."

Plus, he said stuff that only a senile religious fanatic could say. An amazing combo of biblical references and idiocy.

"Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them."

"Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America."

That being said, no one could take the mantle from Jerry, now that he's gone. Who's going to do it? Pat Robertson? Pat Robertson is a sell out. He has Skinny Wednesdays. He has a diet shake. Pat Robertson couldn't carry Jerry's legacy. Mainly because Jerry's legacy weighed half a ton, but still.

There is no heir apparent for Jerry. He was a giant. A woolly mammoth of unadulterated hate. When Jerry said the feminists were ruining the world, you knew he meant it. Sure, most fundamentalist nut jobs think women should be subservient, but how many are willing to go the extra mile? How many are willing to blame gay people for AIDS or blame pagans for 9/11? And how many of those snake worshipping madmen are morbidly obese? Because remember, Jerry isn't just Jerry because he hates Ben and Jerrys (they're a gay couple, right?) but also because he ate Ben and Jerrys.

I figured they would just call it quits. Liberty University would close, the Old Time Gospel Hour would be finished. A leadership void would be created and a new brand of hatred and hyperbole would be born. But no. I turned on the Old Time Gospel Hour and saw this douche.

Ladies and Gentleman, its Jonathan Falwell, the most underwhelming religious fanatic of all time! Wow, this has to be the least intimidating man.......ever. Someone tell Cartman there's a ginger running Thomas Road Baptist Church!

Now I did listen to him for a little bit. Long enough to not be impressed. The man has no presence. I understand that his dad was the size of a beluga whale, but still. Is this what the future holds? Is Liberty University going to be run by Ron Howard's intolerant brother? If so, then count me out! I want interesting religious fanatics not this clown.

Somehow, replacing Jerry Falwell's famous "Gays are of the Devil" sermon with a sermon about remembering to put on sunscreen, is just not going to do it for me.

There could be some dark family secret that proves Jonathan is up to the task. Maybe he's really a vampire. That would be cool. I could get behind a religious fanatic vampire.

Actually, no he can't be a vampire. Look at the picture I found.....

Would Jerry Falwell consent to having his picture taken in the kid center? Of course not. Unless Jerry was hungry, and decided to eat one. (That's why Baptists have so many kids. No one likes talking about the child sacrifice element.)

Awesome. Jonathan Falwell. Fantastic.

If Pat Buchanan ever dies, I swear, I might have to kill myself. All the joy from the world will then be gone. Luckily, unlike Jonathan Falwell, Pat Buchanan actually is a vampire. So there's always that.