People in Glass Houses

I realized today that I might be too judgmental. Maybe I'm giving Senator Larry Craig a bum rap. Maybe I'm being too hard on him. Maybe, just maybe, I'm a closeted homosexual that will one day become a United States senator. Who am I to judge? Am I really ready to cast the first stone, knowing that I may in fact solicit a cop in an airport bathroom?

So I'll look at this logically. Um, kind of logically. What are the real differences between me and Larry?

Signs that I may in fact be a closeted homosexual:

Lets see.....I really like Rascal Flatts. Sometimes I get emotional during the "My Wish" song. Okay, I always get emotional. That would suggest that I'm gay.

What else? Well, I've given my cat multiple nicknames. I have more than one picture of my cat in my cellphone. I also worry about said cat when I'm gone. What if she's bored? What if she's lonely? Of course she's a cat and gets entertainment from chasing tiny balls with bells in them, but still I worry. And give her nicknames. So that would also suggest that I'm gay.

I'm from Concord, North Carolina, I'm twenty-three and I haven't gotten anyone pregnant. That is a very strong indicator that I may in fact be a homosexual.

And finally, I have gone to a martini bar Uptown and felt like I was Charlotte from Sex in the City. (I'm Charlotte because I have a secret desire to be a stay at home mom). My brother Jason is Samantha because he says inappropriate things. Hunter is Carrie because he lacks direction and spends too much money. I think I know who Miranda is. A hot lawyer who doesn't put up with crap, yeah, I think I know who that is. Anyway, if going to a martini bar didn't suggest I was gay then explaining it with a Sex in the City metaphor would strongly suggest that I am a fan of phallic symbols.

So what's the difference?

How is my behavior so different than Larry Craig? (Assuming Larry Craig has also done all the gay stuff I talked about). Couldn't I be a closeted homosexual? In fact, if I wrote that I wasn't a closeted homosexual, it would suggest I was in denial, meaning that I am in fact a closeted homosexual. I'm almost ready to plan my civil union in Massachusetts.

I guess the difference between me and Larry Craig is that I have never solicited another man in an airport bathroom. In fact, I've never solicited a man at all. Larry Craig was involved in the last paige scandal in the 1980s. Apparently Republicans were having sex with underage boys back then too. Allegedly. I can say with a clear conscience that I have never been attracted to underage boys. Or underage girls. I think it has something to do with having a soul.

I'm also not attracted to men, which I guess is probably a condition for being gay. Don't get me wrong, I would make sweet sweet love to Ted Haggard, but only for jokes. And I would take Dennis Kucinich's breath away, but that's because not many people have had sex with a leprechaun, and it would be a cool story to tell. But other than for amusement purposes or to say I made love to a mythical being, guys just don't really do it for me.

But what if?

What if being gay is a choice? What if I could choose to be attracted to the hairier, dumber sex? Well, I still wouldn't choose. Because honestly, I would much rather be with women then have the inane conversations that men have. Do women gossip? Probably, I'm not really let in on that. But I do know that men with have multiple conversations about how great Lebron James is and how much better Miller Lite is then Bud Light. Which is true, in the sense that George Bush is not functionally retarded, only really, really stupid. I don't really long for conversations about college football with people who didn't go to college.

The thick gay line

Apparently the only difference between Larry Craig and I is that Larry likes, um, a euphemism for penis. Now Larry does say that he's not gay, which I will say too. The only difference is that when I say I'm not gay, its not at a press conference that was called after I solicited an undercover cop for sex in an airport bathroom.

Believe me, sometimes I wish I was. It would really make my mom mad, and then she might not call me, which would be fantastic. But I am sadly not a closeted, self-loathing homosexual. If I was, I would be a Republican. But my voting record says I'm a Democrat.

Although, if Larry wants to have some midnight loving down by the fire.......well it would be pretty funny. (Call me, Senator!)