Chris Matthews, slightly drunk and wearing a Viking helmet, strides into the arena. He knows the truth. He will crush Dobbs and assert the supremacy of MSNBC. He is out of shape, but that's where the alcohol comes in. He may get hit more, but he won't feel it. Matthews the Destroyer will make Dobbs rue the day he stepped into the Cage. Ha!
Lou Dobbs, grumbling under his breath and popping pills from an unmarked container, enters from the other side. Dressed in a World Wrestling Entertainment costume, complete with leotard and flamming cape, with the name "Lou Mysterio" proudly emblazzoned on his cape and in block letters on his ass. Lou Dobbs looks over at his opponent, his face filled with disgust. If there's one thing he hates more than Mexicans, its the Irish.
The referree comes forward, and tells the crowd the rules. Each fighter will give three qoutes, in an attempt to tell the most offensive and/or idotic quote of Cable News Television.
Lets get it on, bitches!
Chris Matthews strikes first, a flask of whiskey clearly visible. "There's the historic Jesse Jackson. There's the great orator, one of the best in the country. There's a guy who has a heart. And there's a guy who's kind of an ass too."
Lou Dobbs isn't fazed. He can't believe Matthews is bringing this weak shit. Dobbs booms the following blast. "“What you won’t see on our broadcast is ‘fair and balanced journalism.’ You will not see ‘objective journalism.’ The truth is not ‘fair and balanced.’ There is a nonpartisan, independent reality that doesn’t give a damn, frankly, what two Democrats and two Republicans think about anything or say about anything.”
Matthews shrugs it off and lets out his next moronic outburst. "I think what she ought to do is forget this frickin' presidency idea, because she'll never be able to bring him back with her, the American people don't want him hanging around upstairs, hanging out with Hugh Rodham in front of the refrigerator, making up lists of pardons."
Dobbs, smelling blood in the water, "One third of all inmates in federal prisons are illegal immigrants". (The number is closer to 6 percent. The crime rate is actually lower for immigrants than citizens).
Matthews, wondering why he's still here, slurs the following. "I know one thing: There are a billion Islamic people in the world today, and there will be about 2 billion by the time we're dead. They're not going to give up their religion."
Lou Dobbs knows he's won. Matthews is clearly drunk, blabbering about who knows what. Dobbs has a knockout blow planned. "Illegal immigrants cause leprosy."
Matthews seems stunned. Really? Leprosy? He thinks about it a second time, and his head explodes.
The referee grabs Dobbs by the hand and lifts the Champ's arm into the air. A janitor sweeps the remains of Matthews' cranium into a trash bag and then spreads saw dust over the bloody mess.
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