CMT Awards

The Party is killing itself, but hey, the Country Music Television Awards were this weekend. So let's take a few minutes break from duck hunting with Hil Dawg, and remember the good things about rednecks, namely superior music. Time for the Good, the Bad and the Awkward.

The Good

Rascal Flatts. First, they're a great band. Second, I'm better looking then the lead singer. Third, one of them impregnated a Playboy bunny, and when you add Country Singer and Had Sex With a Playboy Bunny, they build a shrine to you in Concord, North Carolina.



Next, Taylor Swift. First, because she won Video of the Year. Second, because she had fire going off in the background and, like Hil Dawg, we likes when things get blowed up. But most importantly, because the odds of Taylor Swift becoming a huge, skanky embarrasment are roughly 10,000 to 1. Please Taylor, don't turn into Leann Rimes.



Also, on the Good side, is Toby Keith. Sure, Toby Keith is a crazy redneck, but he is such a crazy redneck that its no longer offensive. Maybe the Dixie Chicks hold a grudge, but we can't. Plus, he performed "She's a Hottie."

The lyrics to "She's a Hottie" include these gems....

Dress her up boys, I took her from the farm,
I brought her downtown, I hung her on my arm,
you've got to give a little somethin' to a cool dark cat,
finding him a woman who could walk like that!
She's a Hottie !!! She's a Hottie !!! She's got a smokin' little body !
String bikini and a barbed-wire tat (tatoo)
She's rockin' that cowboy hat !
Hottie !!! She's a Hottie !!! and just a little bit naughty !
Kayay digidigy, Kayay digidigy, yey
Singing Kayay digidigy, Kayay digidigy
yey hey HEY hey HEY

Holy crap on a stick, Toby. Kayay digidigy, indeed! Also, whenever Toby sings a song, it looks like he's ready to take a dump. And that's worth something.



Next, Kellie Pickler. Why? Because she won a bunch of awards and she's from Albemarle, North Carolina. Just don't type in "Kellie Pickler prom dress" into a search engine or you may catch a disease. We won't hold that against her though, because she's from Albemarle.



Also, Kenny Chesney did well. Chesney has the best/worst lyrics. Listen to "You Save Me" more than once, and try not to sing it loudly. When we stumble out of Stool Pigeons tonight after doing eighteen straight shots of Jack with Hil Dawg, we will loudly sing

'Cause when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun
'Cause when I'm a firecracker comin' undone
Or when I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy
No matter where my reckless soul takes me
Baby you save me

Plus, although we're not gay, we could be gay for Kenny Chesney. Just kidding, future employers! Qwars are not cool!



Finally, the World's Sexiest Vegetarian had a great performance.




The Bad

Leann Rimes. Put some clothes on, you look like a hooker.

Also, Miley Cyrus is a horrible singer. Someone needs to teach her how to lip synch or blood will pour from the ears of millions. It doesn't help that your dad can actually sing. Please don't sing live, ever again. And please don't turn into a skanky embarrassment.

The Awkward

Besides Snoop Dogg? How about Tom Arnold, who hosts the Greatest Show Ever/Proof of the Decline of Western Civilization, My Big Redneck Wedding. Tom may have PTSS from being married to Roseanne. He sure does talk about it a lot.

Finally, this was awkward.