Two articles actually.
First one from The Atlantic Online.
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200712/religious-movies
And one from Christianity Today. Its a very thoughtful article, not a Catholic League freak out.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/december/12.36.html
A couple of highlights. In the third book by the author, the little girl actually kills God. The author is a very straightforward atheist. The movie is much more convuluted in an attempt to not offend anyone (although I think its more offensive to pretend that the book isn't about atheism).
Basically the author says things like "Chronicles of Narnia is the Christian one. Mine is the non Christian one." There's also a pretty creepy part where the main character in the movie, a preteen girl may or may not have had sex which helps kill God.
I don't mind that the guy's an atheist. That's his choice. Its just that the movie is being marketed in the Narnia/Lord of the Rings vein. Which its not. I wouldn't want my kid seeing the movie and then reading the books.
No Golden Compass for me.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Why I'll never be a professor
Student: Jeremiah, how do I do bivariate crosstabs?
Me: Its just regular cross tabs with only two variables instead of more. Just like bivariate regression is two variables and multivariate is more than two.
Student: So how many variables do I put in?
Me: Only two for bivariate.
Student continues to look confused.
Me: Its two, like bisexual.
Student suddenly understanding: Ohhh!
Two things to take away:
1. We need to increase our admission standards.
2. I can never be a professor. Which means my clever plan to take Dr. Wright and lower my gpa has paid off!
Me: Its just regular cross tabs with only two variables instead of more. Just like bivariate regression is two variables and multivariate is more than two.
Student: So how many variables do I put in?
Me: Only two for bivariate.
Student continues to look confused.
Me: Its two, like bisexual.
Student suddenly understanding: Ohhh!
Two things to take away:
1. We need to increase our admission standards.
2. I can never be a professor. Which means my clever plan to take Dr. Wright and lower my gpa has paid off!
Monday, November 26, 2007
Great job, morons!
There's a really big Speedway in Concord. Its been there for a long time. The guy who owns the Speedway didn't want to move it until the officials in Concord, who are in fact complete morons, annoyed him. Being the good Capitalist that he is, the owner of the Speedway threw a tantrum and threatened to move.
But don't worry! The Speedway is staying! For the low low price of 80 MILLION dollars! Hurray! Its really awesome that Concord gets to spend 80 MILLION dollars completely unnecessarily!
Its a little inaccurate though. Because North Carolina is going to pay 20 million. So Concord's bill is only 60 million. I'm sure they've got an extra 60 million dollars around here somewhere.
What can you buy with 60 million dollars? Not much. I mean, you could fully fund the police and fire departments for two years with 60 million dollars. 60 million dollars is almost two years worth of property taxes (property taxes are 36 million a year). Its also almost SIX years of sales taxes. I'm pretty sure we could have built a school or two for 60 MILLION dollars, but lets not be negative! People will love to pay higher taxes because their city officials are morons!
On another note, Charlotte just had 100,000 people ride the light rail the first weekend it was opened. Its almost like Charlotte has itself together. Oh yeah, it does. Maybe I should move from Concord to Charlotte. Oh yeah, I already did.
Morons.
But don't worry! The Speedway is staying! For the low low price of 80 MILLION dollars! Hurray! Its really awesome that Concord gets to spend 80 MILLION dollars completely unnecessarily!
Its a little inaccurate though. Because North Carolina is going to pay 20 million. So Concord's bill is only 60 million. I'm sure they've got an extra 60 million dollars around here somewhere.
What can you buy with 60 million dollars? Not much. I mean, you could fully fund the police and fire departments for two years with 60 million dollars. 60 million dollars is almost two years worth of property taxes (property taxes are 36 million a year). Its also almost SIX years of sales taxes. I'm pretty sure we could have built a school or two for 60 MILLION dollars, but lets not be negative! People will love to pay higher taxes because their city officials are morons!
On another note, Charlotte just had 100,000 people ride the light rail the first weekend it was opened. Its almost like Charlotte has itself together. Oh yeah, it does. Maybe I should move from Concord to Charlotte. Oh yeah, I already did.
Morons.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Things Scarier Than Toys of Death
1. Rudy Guiliani.
2. Hunter's credit.
3. My entire family.
4. This weird mayonnaise I saw at a Mexican food store that is flavored with lime.
5. OE.
6. Tequila.
7. Gin.
8. My cat's farts. (Trust me).
9. Dr. Wright.
10. Rudy Guiliani.
2. Hunter's credit.
3. My entire family.
4. This weird mayonnaise I saw at a Mexican food store that is flavored with lime.
5. OE.
6. Tequila.
7. Gin.
8. My cat's farts. (Trust me).
9. Dr. Wright.
10. Rudy Guiliani.
We're all going to DIE!!!!!!
I do love CNN. In my deepest darkest fantasy, I tie up Anderson Cooper who is wearing a gimp outfit. Then Wolf Blitzer, dressed as a naughty nurse, announces that he's hear to give everyone prostate exams. Then Larry King, dressed as Larry King, tells me he's going to put a cigar in a very naughty place. We all love each other with the love that dare not speak its name. Later, Ted Turner, dressed as an angry cowboy, tells us that he's not paying us to "stem the rose".
So basically, I love CNN. But there may be problems with CNN, such as the fact that it is run by morons and bases its marketing on fear mongering. Irans going to blow us up! All the polar bears are dying! Spinach gives people AIDS! And today, we're all going to die from TOYS!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
The title of CNNs expose: Trouble in Toyland; Recalls, Fears and Solutions.
It should be called: We're Douche Bags; Scarying You Unnecessarily Since 1980.
Look, we're not going to die from Bob the Builder. Your kids are not going to die, and if they do, they'll get hit by a car or kidnapped by some pedophile. They aren't going to die because of lead poisoning. Hell, tons of rich people live on Lake Norman, and their children happily frolic next to the Duke Nuclear Power Plant. And guess what, rich people are smarter than the rest of us. That's why they're rich. (As a general rule. I know Paris Hilton is dumb, and that all African American high school janitors are sages).
We are such a whiny little punk of a nation. Our grand parents worried about being killed by the Nazis, our parents grew up in fear of a nuclear Holocaust, and we're worried about spinach and Dora the Explorer. And if your kid dies from lead poisoning, its because they ATE the Thomas the Train toy. Which means your kid is a moron and would have died soon anyway.
Be cool, people. No worries. Bush, Exxon, and General Motors are responsible for far more deaths than lead paint in toys. Al Gore, Charlie Wies and Mark Mangino are responsible for more deaths due to starvation then lead paint in toys.
Oh and one more thing. The doctor that CNN used to talk about the dangers of lead poisioning is an Indian named, sh*t thee not, Dr. Mengele. Which is quite possibly the funniest and most ironic thing, ever.
So basically, I love CNN. But there may be problems with CNN, such as the fact that it is run by morons and bases its marketing on fear mongering. Irans going to blow us up! All the polar bears are dying! Spinach gives people AIDS! And today, we're all going to die from TOYS!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
The title of CNNs expose: Trouble in Toyland; Recalls, Fears and Solutions.
It should be called: We're Douche Bags; Scarying You Unnecessarily Since 1980.
Look, we're not going to die from Bob the Builder. Your kids are not going to die, and if they do, they'll get hit by a car or kidnapped by some pedophile. They aren't going to die because of lead poisoning. Hell, tons of rich people live on Lake Norman, and their children happily frolic next to the Duke Nuclear Power Plant. And guess what, rich people are smarter than the rest of us. That's why they're rich. (As a general rule. I know Paris Hilton is dumb, and that all African American high school janitors are sages).
We are such a whiny little punk of a nation. Our grand parents worried about being killed by the Nazis, our parents grew up in fear of a nuclear Holocaust, and we're worried about spinach and Dora the Explorer. And if your kid dies from lead poisoning, its because they ATE the Thomas the Train toy. Which means your kid is a moron and would have died soon anyway.
Be cool, people. No worries. Bush, Exxon, and General Motors are responsible for far more deaths than lead paint in toys. Al Gore, Charlie Wies and Mark Mangino are responsible for more deaths due to starvation then lead paint in toys.
Oh and one more thing. The doctor that CNN used to talk about the dangers of lead poisioning is an Indian named, sh*t thee not, Dr. Mengele. Which is quite possibly the funniest and most ironic thing, ever.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Debate Nonsense
CNN is showing the rerun from the last Democratic debate. Why am I watching debate reruns? I don't know. Why do I watch To Catch A Predator reruns? 'Cause I do. Every time its the same. But I just can't stop watching.
Two somewhat unrelated notes while I'm trying to figure out what a Corporate Democrat and what a Special Interest actually is.....
First, when did we become the anti-free trade party? That's for crazy Republicans who are afraid of foreignors. Why are we embracing this nonsense? NAFTA was wrong! China is evil! Um, did I miss something?
I'm sorry that three people died from the Chinese lead filled tooth paste/toy/vibrator of death. But there's 300 MILLION of us! It sucks that those three people died, but should I have to pay more for my tooth paste/toys/vibrators just because three people died? Death happens. Its sucks. Sorry. However, if we can get really cheap stuff, and someone I've never heard of dies, I'm cool with that.
This sounds harsh. But think about the thousands of people that died today from car wrecks, cancer, heart disease or guns. Thousands of people die everyday. It sucks. Sorry. But why do we freak out when three people die from lead paint, but when I-85 is a death trap, oh that's fine! Some little kid gets shot because he was playing with his dads gun, oh thats okay. But not the Chinese Dora the Explorer of Death!
By the way, we're the country that freaked out over spinach. Oh my God! Not spinach! Its the most deadly plant ever!!!!! Now where did I put my Marlboros.......
And number two...........
Yucca Mountain.
Apparently we have a bunch of nuclear waste. And we need to put it somewhere. And no one wants to put it anywhere. All the candidates keep talking about finding some magical technological solution or turning the waste into corn and the corn into ethanol or something. Nuclear power plants make waste. So do coal power plants. The difference is that the coal waste goes straight into the air and the nuclear waste, well, apparently it just sits there. But the good thing is that the nuclear power plant in Charlotte created Lake Norman! You get some gigantic fish when your lake is near a power plant! (This is true, actually).
The Republicans or somebody, I'm just going to say the Republicans, want to put all our nuclear waste into Yucca Mountain. Which means that the whole country gets to benefit except for one crappy part of Nevada. And I'm assuming Yucca Mountain is a crappy part of Nevada because people seem to want to put a lot of nuclear waste there.
Here's the easy solution, so that every American benefits, even the eighteen legged frogs that should have been born at Yucca Mountain.
We export it!
Send this nuclear crap to Mexico. Give them a billion dollars to take it. Fair deal. A billion dollars and they can turn the giant mountain of nuclear waste into a tourist attraction. Come see the Great Nuclear Mountain of Tijuana! Its not just the margaretias that tear you up!
Or send it to China. For a billion dollars they'd take it. Send it to our friends in Saudi Arabia. Send it to our colony in Iraq. Do you really think that the Iraqis are concerned about nuclear waste? In exchange for, I don't know, not killing them as much, I'm sure they'd be willing to take it.
Two somewhat unrelated notes while I'm trying to figure out what a Corporate Democrat and what a Special Interest actually is.....
First, when did we become the anti-free trade party? That's for crazy Republicans who are afraid of foreignors. Why are we embracing this nonsense? NAFTA was wrong! China is evil! Um, did I miss something?
I'm sorry that three people died from the Chinese lead filled tooth paste/toy/vibrator of death. But there's 300 MILLION of us! It sucks that those three people died, but should I have to pay more for my tooth paste/toys/vibrators just because three people died? Death happens. Its sucks. Sorry. However, if we can get really cheap stuff, and someone I've never heard of dies, I'm cool with that.
This sounds harsh. But think about the thousands of people that died today from car wrecks, cancer, heart disease or guns. Thousands of people die everyday. It sucks. Sorry. But why do we freak out when three people die from lead paint, but when I-85 is a death trap, oh that's fine! Some little kid gets shot because he was playing with his dads gun, oh thats okay. But not the Chinese Dora the Explorer of Death!
By the way, we're the country that freaked out over spinach. Oh my God! Not spinach! Its the most deadly plant ever!!!!! Now where did I put my Marlboros.......
And number two...........
Yucca Mountain.
Apparently we have a bunch of nuclear waste. And we need to put it somewhere. And no one wants to put it anywhere. All the candidates keep talking about finding some magical technological solution or turning the waste into corn and the corn into ethanol or something. Nuclear power plants make waste. So do coal power plants. The difference is that the coal waste goes straight into the air and the nuclear waste, well, apparently it just sits there. But the good thing is that the nuclear power plant in Charlotte created Lake Norman! You get some gigantic fish when your lake is near a power plant! (This is true, actually).
The Republicans or somebody, I'm just going to say the Republicans, want to put all our nuclear waste into Yucca Mountain. Which means that the whole country gets to benefit except for one crappy part of Nevada. And I'm assuming Yucca Mountain is a crappy part of Nevada because people seem to want to put a lot of nuclear waste there.
Here's the easy solution, so that every American benefits, even the eighteen legged frogs that should have been born at Yucca Mountain.
We export it!
Send this nuclear crap to Mexico. Give them a billion dollars to take it. Fair deal. A billion dollars and they can turn the giant mountain of nuclear waste into a tourist attraction. Come see the Great Nuclear Mountain of Tijuana! Its not just the margaretias that tear you up!
Or send it to China. For a billion dollars they'd take it. Send it to our friends in Saudi Arabia. Send it to our colony in Iraq. Do you really think that the Iraqis are concerned about nuclear waste? In exchange for, I don't know, not killing them as much, I'm sure they'd be willing to take it.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Candidate Questions
Okay, I kind of freaked out for a minute. For some reason, the thought of spending trillions of dollars and the deaths of almost four thousand soldiers pissed me off a bit. So who makes me feel better?
My gay boyfriend, Andrew Sullivan.
Andrew was on Bill Maher, and he said he had two questions for the Republican presidential candidates.
1. Would you, if given the chance, have Osama bin Laden aborted before birth?
2. Would you engage in a sexual exchange with a partner of the same sex if it meant you could stop a terrorist attack?
Now of course, these questions are pretty unfair. Kind of like the "would you use torture to stop a terrorist attack", the crux of the issue being whether or not using torture would help stop a terrorist attack. I don't think torture or having sex with another dude would stop an attack. I also think that if Bin Laden had been aborted, someone else would have attacked us, because, um, some people in other parts of the world actually object to our periodic habit of blowing up places where they live.
Still, I'd like to thank Andrew for broadening the debate, if you will.
I think Mitt Romney's head would explode if he had to think about making sweet love to a dude in order to stop the Islamofacists. I think John McCain already had sex with a dude, that dude being Jerry Falwell (great job having values John!)
As for Rudy Guiliani's answer to whether he would play hide the sausage with Andrew Sullivan, he would answer the same way he answers every other question: 9/11.
My gay boyfriend, Andrew Sullivan.
Andrew was on Bill Maher, and he said he had two questions for the Republican presidential candidates.
1. Would you, if given the chance, have Osama bin Laden aborted before birth?
2. Would you engage in a sexual exchange with a partner of the same sex if it meant you could stop a terrorist attack?
Now of course, these questions are pretty unfair. Kind of like the "would you use torture to stop a terrorist attack", the crux of the issue being whether or not using torture would help stop a terrorist attack. I don't think torture or having sex with another dude would stop an attack. I also think that if Bin Laden had been aborted, someone else would have attacked us, because, um, some people in other parts of the world actually object to our periodic habit of blowing up places where they live.
Still, I'd like to thank Andrew for broadening the debate, if you will.
I think Mitt Romney's head would explode if he had to think about making sweet love to a dude in order to stop the Islamofacists. I think John McCain already had sex with a dude, that dude being Jerry Falwell (great job having values John!)
As for Rudy Guiliani's answer to whether he would play hide the sausage with Andrew Sullivan, he would answer the same way he answers every other question: 9/11.
More Fun With Numbers
As of June, 2006, we have 2,245,189 prisoners held in Federal or State prison. That's 2.245 MILLION people. Are you kidding me? I understand that some of these people should be in jail, and I have a few people I wouldn't mind seeing locked up, but are you kidding me? 2.245 MILLION PEOPLE.
Another fun fact, from the Leftist organization that is the US Department of Justice (those Bush officials are bleeding hearts!)
"At year end 2005 there were 3,145 black male sentenced prison inmates per 100,000 black males in the United States, compared to 1,244 Hispanic male inmates per 100,000Hispanic males and 471 white male inmates per 100,000 white males."
Seeing as black males are 6.7 times more likely to be sentenced to prison then white males, I am left with two theories.
1. Black males are, for whatever reason, more prone to crime.
2. The justice system, believe it or not, may actually be racist.
Two guesses which one I believe.
By the way, we have five percent of the world's population and twenty-two percent of teh world's prison population.
Another fun fact, from the Leftist organization that is the US Department of Justice (those Bush officials are bleeding hearts!)
"At year end 2005 there were 3,145 black male sentenced prison inmates per 100,000 black males in the United States, compared to 1,244 Hispanic male inmates per 100,000Hispanic males and 471 white male inmates per 100,000 white males."
Seeing as black males are 6.7 times more likely to be sentenced to prison then white males, I am left with two theories.
1. Black males are, for whatever reason, more prone to crime.
2. The justice system, believe it or not, may actually be racist.
Two guesses which one I believe.
By the way, we have five percent of the world's population and twenty-two percent of teh world's prison population.
I swear, I've got that 1.3 trillion around here somewhere
A new report puts the cost of the Iraq war at 1.3 TRILLION dollars. Congradulations! We've reached trillions! Its officially cartoon money that no one can actually comprehend! Fantastic!
1.3 trillion dollars.
And 3,860 dead soldiers.
And 28,451 wounded soldiers.
We should be ashamed of ourselves.
1.3 trillion dollars.
And 3,860 dead soldiers.
And 28,451 wounded soldiers.
We should be ashamed of ourselves.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Al Gore is a Moron
It was cold today. And it was cold yesterday. I used the heater in my car all day. This, conclusively, proves that Global Warming is not real, and that Al Gore is a moron.
I'VE BEEN WEARING SWEATERS FOR THE PAST WEEK, MR. GORE! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!
I have many problems with the Global Warming Myth. First, it involves polar bears, who are evil. I know, because the Catholic League said that polar bears are evil. Actually, the Catholic League said that the Golden Compass is an atheistic movie, and it has polar bears in it. So polar bears are evil, and definitely don't keep communion. If these godless carnivores drown, is that really a problem?
Second, Global Warming is all agreed upon by scienctists. Seeing as I got a D in chemistry, the only subject I've ever gotten a D in, that means that scientists are morons. (Except for Hokie scientists. They're different.) Think about it. I've taken about a hundred classes in my lifetime, and I've gotten one D. Which means the person who taught it was a moron, because I, clearly, am not.
What is all this science about, anyway? The ice caps melting? Give me a break! This is such nonsense. Set aside atheistic polar bears, who are these people measuring ice? Are biologists measuring ice? I hope not, because ice isn't alive people! And if there's some science where all they do is study ice, well, that's pretty f--ing stupid. What do you do for a living? You study ice? Fantastic. Next there's going to be a whole science devoted to studying rocks. Ice and rocks aren't alive, people! Stop being retarded!
Plus, Al Gore is fat. Never listen to fat people. Al Gore only wants it to stay cold because he has a protective layer of blubber. Since I am not in fact a manatee, I would like the weather to be a little bit hotter. I'm sure Michael Moore is upset about global warming too. Sorry liberal fatties, don't ruin things for the rest of us! Just because you feel inadequate about your bodies doesn't mean the rest of us should have to suffer. Michael Moore and Al Gore need to go have sex in an igloo and leave the rest of us alone.
Finally, if global warming were real, which it isn't because I'm cold today, it would cost money to fix it. Its way cheaper to just relocate to the interior whenever the East Coast sinks under the waves. Its not my fault that Charlotte was smart enough to be located inland. If we lost New York, Boston and Tallahassee, would that really be a loss? Losing Ted Kennedy, the Patriots, Bobby Bowden and that Polish jackass that coaches Boston College (the one I kill every night in my dreams), that's not a loss, that's a blessing. Its an opportunity. God loves Southerners. We speak properly. If we lose all the New Englanders, it will just make things easier to understand. Plus, everybody in Boston is drunk anyway, so they won't even notice.
So lets try to start Global Warming, which clearly isn't occurring yet, because I was cold today. If everyone drives a Hummer, God willing, we can drown all the douche bags on the Red Sox by next year. Sure, we'd lose baseball and those annoying accents, but I would be warm and I would have a beach house on Tryon.
I'VE BEEN WEARING SWEATERS FOR THE PAST WEEK, MR. GORE! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!
I have many problems with the Global Warming Myth. First, it involves polar bears, who are evil. I know, because the Catholic League said that polar bears are evil. Actually, the Catholic League said that the Golden Compass is an atheistic movie, and it has polar bears in it. So polar bears are evil, and definitely don't keep communion. If these godless carnivores drown, is that really a problem?
Second, Global Warming is all agreed upon by scienctists. Seeing as I got a D in chemistry, the only subject I've ever gotten a D in, that means that scientists are morons. (Except for Hokie scientists. They're different.) Think about it. I've taken about a hundred classes in my lifetime, and I've gotten one D. Which means the person who taught it was a moron, because I, clearly, am not.
What is all this science about, anyway? The ice caps melting? Give me a break! This is such nonsense. Set aside atheistic polar bears, who are these people measuring ice? Are biologists measuring ice? I hope not, because ice isn't alive people! And if there's some science where all they do is study ice, well, that's pretty f--ing stupid. What do you do for a living? You study ice? Fantastic. Next there's going to be a whole science devoted to studying rocks. Ice and rocks aren't alive, people! Stop being retarded!
Plus, Al Gore is fat. Never listen to fat people. Al Gore only wants it to stay cold because he has a protective layer of blubber. Since I am not in fact a manatee, I would like the weather to be a little bit hotter. I'm sure Michael Moore is upset about global warming too. Sorry liberal fatties, don't ruin things for the rest of us! Just because you feel inadequate about your bodies doesn't mean the rest of us should have to suffer. Michael Moore and Al Gore need to go have sex in an igloo and leave the rest of us alone.
Finally, if global warming were real, which it isn't because I'm cold today, it would cost money to fix it. Its way cheaper to just relocate to the interior whenever the East Coast sinks under the waves. Its not my fault that Charlotte was smart enough to be located inland. If we lost New York, Boston and Tallahassee, would that really be a loss? Losing Ted Kennedy, the Patriots, Bobby Bowden and that Polish jackass that coaches Boston College (the one I kill every night in my dreams), that's not a loss, that's a blessing. Its an opportunity. God loves Southerners. We speak properly. If we lose all the New Englanders, it will just make things easier to understand. Plus, everybody in Boston is drunk anyway, so they won't even notice.
So lets try to start Global Warming, which clearly isn't occurring yet, because I was cold today. If everyone drives a Hummer, God willing, we can drown all the douche bags on the Red Sox by next year. Sure, we'd lose baseball and those annoying accents, but I would be warm and I would have a beach house on Tryon.
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