People in Glass Houses

I realized today that I might be too judgmental. Maybe I'm giving Senator Larry Craig a bum rap. Maybe I'm being too hard on him. Maybe, just maybe, I'm a closeted homosexual that will one day become a United States senator. Who am I to judge? Am I really ready to cast the first stone, knowing that I may in fact solicit a cop in an airport bathroom?

So I'll look at this logically. Um, kind of logically. What are the real differences between me and Larry?

Signs that I may in fact be a closeted homosexual:

Lets see.....I really like Rascal Flatts. Sometimes I get emotional during the "My Wish" song. Okay, I always get emotional. That would suggest that I'm gay.

What else? Well, I've given my cat multiple nicknames. I have more than one picture of my cat in my cellphone. I also worry about said cat when I'm gone. What if she's bored? What if she's lonely? Of course she's a cat and gets entertainment from chasing tiny balls with bells in them, but still I worry. And give her nicknames. So that would also suggest that I'm gay.

I'm from Concord, North Carolina, I'm twenty-three and I haven't gotten anyone pregnant. That is a very strong indicator that I may in fact be a homosexual.

And finally, I have gone to a martini bar Uptown and felt like I was Charlotte from Sex in the City. (I'm Charlotte because I have a secret desire to be a stay at home mom). My brother Jason is Samantha because he says inappropriate things. Hunter is Carrie because he lacks direction and spends too much money. I think I know who Miranda is. A hot lawyer who doesn't put up with crap, yeah, I think I know who that is. Anyway, if going to a martini bar didn't suggest I was gay then explaining it with a Sex in the City metaphor would strongly suggest that I am a fan of phallic symbols.

So what's the difference?

How is my behavior so different than Larry Craig? (Assuming Larry Craig has also done all the gay stuff I talked about). Couldn't I be a closeted homosexual? In fact, if I wrote that I wasn't a closeted homosexual, it would suggest I was in denial, meaning that I am in fact a closeted homosexual. I'm almost ready to plan my civil union in Massachusetts.

I guess the difference between me and Larry Craig is that I have never solicited another man in an airport bathroom. In fact, I've never solicited a man at all. Larry Craig was involved in the last paige scandal in the 1980s. Apparently Republicans were having sex with underage boys back then too. Allegedly. I can say with a clear conscience that I have never been attracted to underage boys. Or underage girls. I think it has something to do with having a soul.

I'm also not attracted to men, which I guess is probably a condition for being gay. Don't get me wrong, I would make sweet sweet love to Ted Haggard, but only for jokes. And I would take Dennis Kucinich's breath away, but that's because not many people have had sex with a leprechaun, and it would be a cool story to tell. But other than for amusement purposes or to say I made love to a mythical being, guys just don't really do it for me.

But what if?

What if being gay is a choice? What if I could choose to be attracted to the hairier, dumber sex? Well, I still wouldn't choose. Because honestly, I would much rather be with women then have the inane conversations that men have. Do women gossip? Probably, I'm not really let in on that. But I do know that men with have multiple conversations about how great Lebron James is and how much better Miller Lite is then Bud Light. Which is true, in the sense that George Bush is not functionally retarded, only really, really stupid. I don't really long for conversations about college football with people who didn't go to college.

The thick gay line

Apparently the only difference between Larry Craig and I is that Larry likes, um, a euphemism for penis. Now Larry does say that he's not gay, which I will say too. The only difference is that when I say I'm not gay, its not at a press conference that was called after I solicited an undercover cop for sex in an airport bathroom.

Believe me, sometimes I wish I was. It would really make my mom mad, and then she might not call me, which would be fantastic. But I am sadly not a closeted, self-loathing homosexual. If I was, I would be a Republican. But my voting record says I'm a Democrat.

Although, if Larry wants to have some midnight loving down by the fire.......well it would be pretty funny. (Call me, Senator!)

Its like my birthday will never end

Here's what the cop wrote in his arrest report:

At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot.... The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area. Craig then proceeded to swipe his hand under the stall divider several times.

And here's how Larry stated that:

"that he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom and that his foot may have touched mine." Craig also told the arresting officer that he reached down with his right hand to pick up a piece of paper that was on the floor. "

Officer Catch Republicans soliciting sex in bathrooms said in his report:

"It should be noted that there was not a piece of paper on the bathroom floor, nor did Craig pick up a piece of paper,"


Oh Larry, I do love you. I didn't even know you last week, but now I realize you're my best friend. Lets go to Scorpio's next week. (Scorpio's bathroom has to be more sanitary than an AIRPORT bathroom.)

I think I need to get tested. This story makes me feel dirty.

Senator Larry Craig statement

Oh Larry, the trials you suffer. I know, I know. You're not gay and you never have been. But if you are, you can go to a camp that will fix it. Or at least allow the delusions to continue. Remember, you're not gay, I'm not white and my cat does not have a tail.


"First, please let me apologize to my family, friends, staff, and fellow Idahoans for the cloud placed over Idaho. I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis airport. I regret my decision to plead guilty and the sadness that decision has brought to my wife, family, friends, staff, and fellow Idahoans. For that I apologize.
"In June, I overreacted and made a poor decision. While I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct at the Minneapolis airport or anywhere else, I chose to plead guilty to a lesser charge in the hope of making it go away. I did not seek any counsel, either from an attorney, staff, friends, or family. That was a mistake, and I deeply regret it. Because of that, I have now retained counsel and I am asking my counsel to review this matter and to advise me on how to proceed.
"For a moment, I want to put my state of mind into context on June 11. For 8 months leading up to June, my family and I had been relentlessly and viciously harassed by the Idaho Statesman. If you’ve seen today’s paper, you know why. Let me be clear: I am not gay and never have been.
"Still, without a shred of truth or evidence to the contrary, the Statesman has engaged in this witch hunt. In pleading guilty, I overreacted in Minneapolis, because of the stress of the Idaho Statesman’s investigation and the rumors it has fueled around Idaho. Again, that overreaction was a mistake, and I apologize for my misjudgment. Furthermore, I should not have kept this arrest to myself, and should have told my family and friends about it. I wasn’t eager to share this failure, but I should have done so anyway.
"I love my wife, family, friends, staff, and Idaho. I love serving Idaho in Congress. Over the years, I have accomplished a lot for Idaho, and I hope Idahoans will allow me to continue to do that. There are still goals I would like to accomplish, and I believe I can still be an effective leader for Idaho. Next month, I will announce, as planned, whether or not I will seek reelection.
"As an elected official, I fully realize that my life is open for public criticism and scrutiny, and I take full responsibility for the mistake in judgment I made in attempting to handle this matter myself.
"It is clear, though, that through my actions I have brought a cloud over Idaho. For that, I ask the people of Idaho for their forgiveness.
"As I mentioned earlier, I have now retained counsel to examine this matter and I will make no further comment."

All my friends are leaving

First, it was Turd Blossom. (W's affectionate nickname for him).

Now Alberto "I don't recall" Gonzales.







Who's left? Rummy's gone. Alberto's gone. Rove's gone. I think Harriet Meirs is gone too, but since I'm pretty sure she was just a hologram, it's hard to tell. All we have now is Bush, Cheney and Condi. Sure, Bush could invade Iran, and Cheney will probably shoot one of his friends again, but still.......it doesn't seem right. Its like having Christmas without the lights. Or a lunatic fringe government without the man who stole elections for them and the man who thought it was fine to torture people.

Only 511 more days of this nightmare......

You know, if it only happened once......

Senator Larry Craig of Idaho is being accused of lewd conduct in a public bathroom. He plead guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct. Here's a little snippet from the article.

Roll Call, citing the report, said Sgt. Dave Karsnia made the arrest after an encounter in which he was seated in a stall next to a stall occupied by Craig. Karsnia described Craig tapping his foot, which Karsnia said he "recognized as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct."
Roll Call quoted the Aug. 8 police report as saying that Craig had handed the arresting officer a business card that identified him as a member of the Senate.
"What do you think about that?" Craig is alleged to have said, according to the report.


Then came my favorite part..........

Last fall, Craig called allegations from a gay-rights activist that he's had homosexual relationships "completely ridiculous."
Mike Rogers, who bills himself as a gay activist blogger, published the allegations on his Web site, http://www.blogactive.com, in October 2006.


This is all alleged of course. I don't know how reliable Mr. Rogers is (although I'd like to state that if I have a gay son, I want his boyfriend to be a "gay activist blogger." At least that way I won't have to wonder how gay he is. The answer will be: really gay).

So is the senator from Idaho a closeted homosexual? I hope so, for my own entertainment purposes. But if he was, he wouldn't be the first Republican or evangelical Christian to turn out to, um, fancy lads.

If your gay, just accept it. Or at least, if your a gay Republican, don't hire a male escort (I'm looking at you Ted) or allegedly hit on a cop.

I miss Jerry

Look at him..........Wasn't he beautiful? Those jowls, that haircut, the perfectly Conservative suit. Making love to Jerry Falwell would've been like making love to a rainbow, except more amazing. And I just know, even though he had a hard outer shell, he had creamy filling inside. In fact, I think the creamy filling was what killed him. Long story short, I miss this angel of the Christian right, this authoritarian, out of touch, fringe lunatic. Who could replace him? No one, that's who. Jerry was one of a kind. God broke the mold when he took that amazing man back.

Who could forget a man who said things like this:

"The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."

"The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews."

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"

or a man who places the blame for 9/11 were it belongs:

"The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

Plus, Jerry doesn't take crap from the Sodomites. (I'm looking at you, Ted Haggard. Call me. Please.)

"AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh's charioteers ... AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."

And the mascot for the Sodomites, no not Ted Haggard, but Tinky Winky.

"He is purple — the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle — the gay pride symbol."

Plus, he said stuff that only a senile religious fanatic could say. An amazing combo of biblical references and idiocy.

"Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them."

"Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America."

That being said, no one could take the mantle from Jerry, now that he's gone. Who's going to do it? Pat Robertson? Pat Robertson is a sell out. He has Skinny Wednesdays. He has a diet shake. Pat Robertson couldn't carry Jerry's legacy. Mainly because Jerry's legacy weighed half a ton, but still.

There is no heir apparent for Jerry. He was a giant. A woolly mammoth of unadulterated hate. When Jerry said the feminists were ruining the world, you knew he meant it. Sure, most fundamentalist nut jobs think women should be subservient, but how many are willing to go the extra mile? How many are willing to blame gay people for AIDS or blame pagans for 9/11? And how many of those snake worshipping madmen are morbidly obese? Because remember, Jerry isn't just Jerry because he hates Ben and Jerrys (they're a gay couple, right?) but also because he ate Ben and Jerrys.

I figured they would just call it quits. Liberty University would close, the Old Time Gospel Hour would be finished. A leadership void would be created and a new brand of hatred and hyperbole would be born. But no. I turned on the Old Time Gospel Hour and saw this douche.

Ladies and Gentleman, its Jonathan Falwell, the most underwhelming religious fanatic of all time! Wow, this has to be the least intimidating man.......ever. Someone tell Cartman there's a ginger running Thomas Road Baptist Church!

Now I did listen to him for a little bit. Long enough to not be impressed. The man has no presence. I understand that his dad was the size of a beluga whale, but still. Is this what the future holds? Is Liberty University going to be run by Ron Howard's intolerant brother? If so, then count me out! I want interesting religious fanatics not this clown.

Somehow, replacing Jerry Falwell's famous "Gays are of the Devil" sermon with a sermon about remembering to put on sunscreen, is just not going to do it for me.

There could be some dark family secret that proves Jonathan is up to the task. Maybe he's really a vampire. That would be cool. I could get behind a religious fanatic vampire.

Actually, no he can't be a vampire. Look at the picture I found.....

Would Jerry Falwell consent to having his picture taken in the kid center? Of course not. Unless Jerry was hungry, and decided to eat one. (That's why Baptists have so many kids. No one likes talking about the child sacrifice element.)

Awesome. Jonathan Falwell. Fantastic.

If Pat Buchanan ever dies, I swear, I might have to kill myself. All the joy from the world will then be gone. Luckily, unlike Jonathan Falwell, Pat Buchanan actually is a vampire. So there's always that.

We need to explain capitalism better

Apparently a Chinese toy factory shipped over toys with excessive amounts of lead. So not only will Barbie give your daughter an unhealthy view of her own body, and not only will Batman teach your son be overly aggressive and to view the world in black and white, but the toys could also kill them.

The boss of the factory responded the worst way possible. He killed himself. His product had a little extra lead (which could have been a plus if only it had been marketed properly) and he hung himself. I thought we were supposed to teach the rest of the world capitalism. Clearly, we are failing.

The first rule about capitalism is the only thing that matters is making money. If some kid can't handle a little extra lead, that's not the companies fault. And the toys didn't even kill anyone. Sure, they were linked to brain damage, but this is America. There's a one in four chance that the kid was going to be an idiot anyway.

Secondly, there is plenty of money to be made by killing people. I would hate to think that the CEO of Phillip Morris would kill himself just because his product kills hundreds of thousands of people every year. Every night, someone in Charlotte drives into a wall because their drunk, but that doesn't keep Pete Coors from running for the Senate. And I would hate to think that some mining company CEO would apologize for creating unsafe work conditions and getting people killed. C'mon people, lets keep it together.

China does so well, it just needs a little help. Remember, all my Chinese industrialist friends, remember the most important rule in running a business..........its not your fault. Its never your fault. When you accept responsibility, the terrorists win. Terrorists hate capitalism and love accepting responsibility.

So just remember, when your product kills millions of people, don't accept responsibility, just ask for more research to be done. Maybe lead has some positive health benefits. The health Nazis never thought of that, did they? And never kill yourself just because your product kills people. That lead paint was probably cheaper then the lead intolerant alternative. And if it was cheaper, you just helped out your shareholders. So don't kill yourself, give yourself a raise.